friendship

I’m probably not the kind of friend you want. 
I’m usually too busy to hang out and I have this unusual anxiety of socializing over the phone, so I probably won’t call you to check up on you. 

I also don’t enjoy conversations of complaints and problems. I mean, this is life and it’s a struggle. And people that see the problems and not the blessings are down-draggers and I prefer to be uplifted.

I’m also so honest that it may be hurtful - but I don’t like beating around the bush or hiding the reality from people.

My perspectives are super realistic (and in some’s opinions, pessimistic) but I had accepted life for what it is a long, long time ago, and I’m extremely thankful.

You may not like my busyness, or honesty, or quietness.

You probably don’t like the kind of “friend” I am.

I know I don’t live up to that term and its expectations. I know it hurts you and I know it’s not fair to you. I know you deserve so much more and I don’t do any of it.

But I swear to you, I make more dua'a for you than you could imagine. I pray for your health, your ease, your family, your hereafter. I ask Allaah over and over to forgive you - not because you’ve done something wrong, but because as humans we all make mistakes and I don’t know what yours are, but I know you’re an incredibly beautiful person inside and out and you deserve to be forgiven for every big and little wrong you may have committed, simply for the sake of being your kind and caring self.

This may not be enough from a friendship to you. But I swear, it’s the greatest gift I can give anyone, and I’ve chosen to give it to you. If you are my friend, I promise to you, this is my regular gift to you. This is how I care. And it may not be the kind of care you want, and I will never be able to apologize enough for that, but this is my weakness and limitation and it’s honestly the best I can do.

I’m so sorry it doesn’t seem like enough. But I hope these prayers come to rescue you when we’re all standing before Allaah, our deeds naked, and in desperate need of His forgiveness. I pray my prayers can help you in this life and your hereafter, because other than these prayers, there is nothing I can do that will help you on that day.

I just hope you understand that. And if you can’t understand that, or if you can’t accept it, or if you can’t appreciate it, it doesn’t matter to me. I will continue showing my care to you this way - in privacy and without your knowledge, because I think this is worth more than a thousand things friends do for each other.

And I hope you can do the same for me.